One thing I have thought about a lot over the past year is the significance of family and what that means.  For a long time I tried to really "keep in touch" with my family. You see living and growing up in Alaska, I was several thousand miles away from my all of my family except for my mom and brother.  Every summer and sometimes more frequentyl, we would travel to visit the family in Washington and spend time and money traveling to each persons house to catch up.  One day a few years ago I had the realization that I have spent hundreds of hours sitting on my relatives couches in their homes and barely one of them has ever visited my home. I had spent thousands of dollars and time making sure that we saw each other and maintained relationships, but suddenly that day it all felt incredibly one sided. Its not that none of them ever took vacations or traveled to out of state destinations, however not once had they made the decision to come and visit me. It was this moment and realization that I had been having the same monotonous vacation visiting people that cared not to visit me that I decided to stop. 

There is so much more out there, and i was done spending that energy on the people that didnt care to reciprocate.  I was scared that this would mean that I would never see the family I loved and worked so hard to see every year. But I also decided that it was a very self serving behaviour that I was having and that those people have their own lives that they are busy leading. It was not my job to insert myself and my kids into their lives anymore. 

Well guess what? It has been more than 2 years since I have spoken with my dad, he doesnt ever call me. It has been about the same since I have talked to or seen every aunt, uncle and cousin. Except that I broke my rule and went to a family function last Christmas with my mom, but I only did it because she asked me to. I love my mom, she will go out of her way and bend over backward to see and help each and every relative she has in their time of need; even though they have proven time and again that they would never do that for her. I guess I can thank her for the behavior I was exhibiting for so long regarding feeling obligated to maintain relationships that were obviously one sided.

Don't get me wrong, I do love them all. I love that I have so many aunts, uncles and cousins. I wish that we could have those Kennedy football games and all keep in touch regularly. But it is emotionally draining to spend your life trying to make and maintain connections that just aren't there.