REWARD: missing keys

There are certain things that I seem to have a habit of losing. Keys, cell phones, ID cards and ATM/credit cards are the main ones. I would lose my head if it weren't attached

I lost my keys to my new van Tuesday night. Nothing new. Par for the course.

How'd it happen? I don't know. This time it is different.  I didn't flush them  down the toilet, I didn't lock them in the car with it still running and the toddler in the baby seat. I didn't leave them laying in the seat or in the ignition locked in. I was wrangling several bags in from the van. There were groceries, school bags, water bottles, a very large shithole of a  purse and who knows what else. Max was throwing a fit for some reason. I probably didn't let him close the garage door or didn't give him both snacks because one was for his brother. Or committed some other travesty. I was distracted and had about ten billion things in my arms and in my mind and poof the keys fucking disappeared. I'm a magician I tell you!

Ever since I have spent the better part of my last 72 hours searching and cleaning fruitlessly to try and find them. It's funny because I clearly remember having them in my hand as I struggled to open the security door to the lobby while pleading with max to get out of the car. The last thing I remember is slipping them into a bag I was holding and thinking I better not lose these. And what the fuck?! I lost them. Since then I have emptied every bag. Cleaned every surface and even taken my bed apart. But still no keys. This has threatened both my sanity and to thwart my holiday weekend. 

But there have been some bright spots. I couldn't go to work Wednesday, I had the cramps because wouldn't you know Aunt Flo decided this was the perfect time to drop her pain in the ass by for her monthly visit, so I called in sick. I alternated between advil, hot pack, lying around and searching my shit hole house and shit hole of a purse. 

Wednesday night my sanity was at it's whits end so of course I had to hire a babysitter and go blow off some steam by getting drunk and singing karaoke at my favorite watering hole. 

This left me with another conundrum. How was I going to leave my house? I had ridden my bike to work on Monday and left it there so not only did I have a van in the garage with no keys. I also had no bike at home to ride.  I had to be creative and take a cab to the office Wednesday night to get my bike so that I would have it Thursday in the event I didn't find my keys. I was a little worried that I would be spotted out riding my bike around by my boss or a coworker but not enough that it kept me home.

Bikes at the bar

Of course singing and drinking all night led to an awesome hangover Thursday morning  when I had to drag my ass out of bed and because I couldn't find my keys I rode my bike to the office. The hangover lent itself well to my previous sick day since I truly felt like shit at work Thursday. 

Biking to work Thursday turned out to work in my favor because it was safety day and we had a BBQ and were released early to an alternate duty site. I.e. The BBQ pavilion. The afternoon was spent learning about topics like fire safety, ergonomics and not drinking excessively. Haha. Followed by an afternoon of lounging at the site drinking and talking I.e. Team building. 

All the people that drove to work couldn't drink beer but lucky me! I lost my fucking keys and could drink! I thought to myself that this is working out quite well. 

So enter Friday morning. Still no fucking keys. I had to cancel my plans to go to hiroshima for a fun day and instead have spent the better part of the day playing Sherlock Holmes. Thank god I have watson e.g. The man that puts up with my madness. He finally had enough if looking and has now gone out to get a new key made. This was no easy feat. He had to remove the lock from the door panel and make arrangements with our go to car guy Jim ford (real name). Jim is going to take him to the locksmith to get a new key made. Jim said he would go to make sure the locksmith charges the gaijin the fair Japanese price and not the gaijin markup. These locals we have friended sure know how to take care of us. Thank god!

It's things like this that really make me feel at a loss of what to do while living abroad. Back home my best friend since 3rd grade was from a family of locksmiths and a locksmith herself. I was rescued by her dad, brothers and herself more times than I care to admit or keep track of. I've never had to open up the yellow pages and let my fingers do the talking whenever I have had a lockout or key related emergency. You could say I've been living in a secure caccoon. So when I realized I was fucked, I was double fucked because I have never had to think about what to do in this situation. The answer was always easy. Call Gina. 

Today I couldn't call her. But in a weird way she still rescued me because watson knew how to remove the key lock tumbler and door panel because he had watched her do it the time that my moms key mysteriously stopped working after she had parked her Subaru in the driveway. Come to find out it was because my mom had been using the key to an old Subaru that didn't even belong to her anymore. She had been using the wrong key for months and didnt know until it didn't work that day. But Gina came to my rescue and took out the lock and made a new key. Which is when she told me that the old key wasn't even the same. 

Today I came to the conclusion that no matter where you are some things never change. You can't escape yourself and your shortcomings no matter the time zone or distance you put between your old life. 

Now. Where is my fucking key?! 

Shit. Where is my fucking cell phone??

I have a weekend to go enjoy. 

Party planning

To make a party flow one must have stations. These are my recommendations for my future self when party planning. 

1. Drink station. Stocked with juice, water , tea, punch, sparkling beverage, alcohol of choice. 

2. Appetizer station. Dip. Crunch. Veggie. Fruit. Of season of course

3. Main course

4. Dessert

5. Always provide a card game or other entertainment and music. 

Fuck the phone company.

Fuck the phone company. Why everytime I come here do you fuck me over. I could have paid a transfer fee for $35 but no you fucking told me I had to pay an activation fee for $30 and come back to the store 3 fucking times to try and set up. 

I asks you what are the fees? You can't tell me. It's like a fuckig mystery. That needs to be read in tea leaves. You tell me one price and I come back the next day and it's another. 

Fuck you

You mother fuckers. Die die die. You have me by the balls. It's not like not having a phone is even an option. You charge $100 a month or more for a single phone. You say I must sign a two year contract. Who know what is in that fine print. What have I done?! If I cancel I will lose my first born child. But hey maybe that's not such a bad thing let them feed and board her ass through college. You stupid phone person staring at me with wide blank eyes pretending you don't understand what I'm asking. Casting serious shade. Wasting away my hours and life. I feel like I am on an episode of reality tv like boiling point where the poor unknowing victim is given an increasingly bad deal and the clerk fucks with them more and more until finally the customer explodes. But in that show the person gets a $100 bill at the end. Me I'm just going to feel like I got raped and violated by the phone company. 

Marriage.

Gay marriage legal in all 50 states! This is a great step of progress for humanity. I am for equal rights. And equal misery. Why shouldn't everyone be allowed to know the joy and misery of being legally bound to someone in matrimonial hell. Don't get me wrong there are perks to marriage. Like sharing debt, not having to cook everyday, sharing parenting duties, health insurance and having someone to help troubleshoot life's problems. But there are two sides to every coin. You also get someone to fight with full time over the smallest annoyances in life, you suddenly have to get permission to spend your money, make decisions about how you spend your time and that special person to fight over the blankets with, farts and snores and scrutinize your every move. I want to go to Korea for my friends wedding. But no. I'm not allowed to because I had to ask permission and was told no and a huge fight ensued because "why would I want to do that anyways". I want to go travel through SE Asia while I'm in japan. Again not allowed because the guy doesn't want me to go. If I was single parenting I could schedule it on my off time or find a sitter and just go without leaving behind an angry spouse that I have to return to and cohabitate with. 

No these things should not be Things only heterosexuals should enjoy. 

Let everyone have the equal opportunity at eternal bliss and misery! 

Everyone should be allowed to know the joys of parenting too! It makes you a better person. As I am writing this I just told Mikey to pull up his pants and  go do your homework because he was mooning his brother. I have Broken up multiple arguments about going to the pool. Negotiated like a pro hostage negotiater to get Mikey to unlock the door to his room and come out and sit down to do his homework. Ah Sunday morning. 

Camping!

Two weeks in a row we have gone camping! The first weekend we traveled south to Akiyoshidai

A love letter to Japan.

Oh my sweet dear Japan. I fall more in love in love with you every day. Even as I sit here listening to the wails of sadness from my son because he wanted to go out to dinner with his dad even though he shrieked, cried and ran away and insisted that he didn't want to go out to dinner when he asked him to go before he left as he locked himself into his room in protest. 

I digress. 

Beck to my love. Today I bought a bunch of farm fresh veggies including asparagus, lettuce, sweet juicy tomatoes, and the most succulent and fragrant strawberries for $10. You feed me so well with your ripe bosom of produce. Always in season and available on every street corner like a good mistress. Ready to please me in any way I like. 

When ever I go to the toilet, I am greeted by some wonderful luxurious experience, flower printed paper, cedar scented air, simulated flushing or babbling brook music, a warm seat to do my business, you give me full service cleaning and expect nothing back but a wave of my hand to dispose of my waste.

Another thing, when my kids are driving me insane and I feel like throwing them out of my car, you come to the rescue with a wonderful play land that is every child and parents fantasy! You whisk my kids away and allow me to have time to sit back and relax under a wisteria covered shade and smell your sweet scent. 

I love you with all my heart and I can't tell you enough how much. 

Xoxo

One thing I have thought about a lot over the past year is the significance of family and what that means.  For a long time I tried to really "keep in touch" with my family. You see living and growing up in Alaska, I was several thousand miles away from my all of my family except for my mom and brother.  Every summer and sometimes more frequentyl, we would travel to visit the family in Washington and spend time and money traveling to each persons house to catch up.  One day a few years ago I had the realization that I have spent hundreds of hours sitting on my relatives couches in their homes and barely one of them has ever visited my home. I had spent thousands of dollars and time making sure that we saw each other and maintained relationships, but suddenly that day it all felt incredibly one sided. Its not that none of them ever took vacations or traveled to out of state destinations, however not once had they made the decision to come and visit me. It was this moment and realization that I had been having the same monotonous vacation visiting people that cared not to visit me that I decided to stop. 

There is so much more out there, and i was done spending that energy on the people that didnt care to reciprocate.  I was scared that this would mean that I would never see the family I loved and worked so hard to see every year. But I also decided that it was a very self serving behaviour that I was having and that those people have their own lives that they are busy leading. It was not my job to insert myself and my kids into their lives anymore. 

Well guess what? It has been more than 2 years since I have spoken with my dad, he doesnt ever call me. It has been about the same since I have talked to or seen every aunt, uncle and cousin. Except that I broke my rule and went to a family function last Christmas with my mom, but I only did it because she asked me to. I love my mom, she will go out of her way and bend over backward to see and help each and every relative she has in their time of need; even though they have proven time and again that they would never do that for her. I guess I can thank her for the behavior I was exhibiting for so long regarding feeling obligated to maintain relationships that were obviously one sided.

Don't get me wrong, I do love them all. I love that I have so many aunts, uncles and cousins. I wish that we could have those Kennedy football games and all keep in touch regularly. But it is emotionally draining to spend your life trying to make and maintain connections that just aren't there.